Having empathy for ADHD symptoms in your partner can be much “easier said than done”. Certainly, in concept, you can understand that your husband is late because he has lost track of time, but it can still “drive you crazy’ when it happens.
If you know that resentment is building in you, the sooner you can get to the “root” of these issues and put them on the table, the better.
Big family gatherings when ADHD is involved can often be a lot: a lot of fun, a lot of spontaneity, and a lot of work.
With a number of family holidays coming up, you may benefit from some personal reflection about your own head space and the role you tend to play at these types of events.
Taking a step out of the “now” to see who’s around...
If you have ADHD, it likely impacts your friendships (whether you realize it or not). Perhaps you struggle to keep up with the logistics and organizational parts of staying in touch with those close to you. Or, maybe you haven’t had a chance to really think about which friendships feel healthy and rejuvenating for you.
Many people with ADHD describe being “stuck in the now”, which means that that they might not be very conscious or aware of their own wants and needs and this might get in the way of finding a crew that brings out the best in them.
3 tips to get you back on your feet
Let’s face it. We all have conflict sometimes. And actually “fighting” is a fundamental part of being in intimate family relationships. It can be an important opportunity to be more honest with each other (or yourself), to work through things that (frankly) need to be talked about, and “clear the air” about your wants and longings.
What we often don’t talk about, though, is how to recover from conflict.
So you’ve let it out.
You’ve said your piece, but now you might feel so far in a “funk” that you don’t know how to get back on track.
I sat in a small rural church in Ontario about 5 years ago listening to a minister marry two of my closest friends. I had only been married myself a couple of years then, and I too was asking questions about what long term partnership is all about. She shared some advice that day that has always stuck with me. As I remember it, she looked out at our young crew and said: “A successful marriage takes two people who are both giving 80%. That it is not about each of you giving 50%. It is about both of you giving your all, all the time”
In marriage (especially when ADHD is in the picture), it can be downright exhausting to give your all, all the time. You feel like you are already giving endlessly. And you’re overwhelmed. Often, you look over to your partner and inevitably end up saying, “So what have you done for me, lately?”
If you're the non-ADHD partner in a relationship, you might be working hard to "compensate" for your ADHD partner, which is leaving you frustrated and resentful.
On Melissa Orlov's blog ADHD and Marriage, she posted an article called: You Can't Change Your Relationship On Your Own. This is an important read for you.
